Do you feel like your childhood could have been better? Join the club. Even those with average upbringings feel like their parents did a crummy job at times. Unfortunately, no one taught your parents how to do it well, unless they happened to have good parents themselves.  And even good parents make regrettable decisions at times. Nobody’s perfect.

If you are one of the many that hold onto negative feelings toward your parents, you’re not alone. Some of us carry a lot of pain from our childhood. But you’re not condemned to live a life burdened by resentment and anger. That pain you still carry can be the biggest barrier to your happiness and success if you don’t take control and free yourself from it. Here’s the good news. You can let it go and move on. But it’s your choice.

Some of you may be asking, ”How am I supposed to let all this go and just move on?”. I’ve learned that anything worth having is worth fighting for. So for me, freedom from unforgiveness, and peace of mind are both worth having, so I had to fight for them. And I’m glad that I did – just like you will be glad that you did.

Let’s explore a few strategies that you can try that may help you to gain that same freedom and peace of mind.

Be concerned with the here and now. Maybe your dad didn’t have a clue how to deal with a teenager, but he’s proving right now to be a friend and giver of great advice in your adulthood.  Your mom may be an awesome grandmother to your children. People and relationships grow and evolve over time, so it is necessary to redefine relationships over time. The relationship with your parents is no different.

Use your childhood as a guide of what not to do. The great thing about having bad parents is that it’s a learning experience. You can choose to do much better with your children. Keep the good stuff and get rid of the bad. Take comfort in the fact that your suffering will benefit your children.

Realize they did the best they could. Given your parents’ upbringing, knowledge of child-rearing, personality, and so on, they did the best they could with what they had. Remember that no one is taught how to parent. There’s a human tendency to believe that our own intentions are pure. For your own sake, believe that your parents were doing their best, but made some bad choices along the way. 

Don’t expect to gain any satisfaction by venting your anger. It’s likely that your parents would be dumbfounded by your criticism. After all, they may think they did things the right way. You’re going to have to face this: they have forgotten most of the bad stuff they did. They remember the good stuff that they did. And if your parents are not mature enough, they will fight you tooth and nail when you mention the negative things that they did. They will make attempts to shut you down, and they might even get defensive and start deflecting and talking about what you did, while you were a child. If your present relationship with your parents is going well, and you find that they do not want to have these discussions with you, and you want the peace between you to continue, find a productive way to work through it. Sometimes your parents just don’t want to remember. It’s painful for them too. Why destroy the present to deal with the past?

Your parents’ parenting flaws are the result of their own parents. Bad parents had bad parents. Who are you going to blame? How far back can you go? Be glad that you can put an end to the madness by breaking the cycle of bad parenting. That’s what I did. And trust me, your children will thank you.

Avoid blaming your current circumstances on your parents. They may have been awful parents, but that doesn’t mean you can use it as an excuse for your own challenges today. The past is over and the past no longer has to negatively influence your life. If you believe your parents are to blame, then your ability to change your situation for the better is severely limited. And you will by choice, remain stuck.

Realize that you’re only hurting yourself. The past is over. Your parents don’t even remember 90% of the negative childhood experiences that are seared into your brain. Matthew 6:14 – 15 says that if you forgive others then God will forgive you, but if you refuse to forgive others God will not forgive you. You can only heal by letting it go and moving on. You’re not doing them a favor by forgiving them. You’re doing yourself a favor.

Seek help. Whatever that means for you, do it. For me, it was counseling, and prayer. I held onto God’s hand tight and I never let it go. He healed my heart through his Word.  God is a healer!

It’s natural to have a desire to punish those that you feel have harmed you. However, you’re only hurting yourself by carrying a grudge toward your parents. Yes. they’ve caused you a lot of damage. They have broken your heart, and your spirit. But they can’t put you back together. Do what you have to do to get healed.  Take a deep breath and fight to let it go. Leave the past in the past and focus on today.