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Setting Yourself Free by Healing Your Relationship With Your Parents — June 1, 2024

Setting Yourself Free by Healing Your Relationship With Your Parents

/C. Denise Long/Leave a comment

Do you feel like your childhood could have been better? Join the club. Even those with average upbringings feel like their parents did a crummy job at times. Unfortunately, no one taught your parents how to do it well, unless they happened to have good parents themselves.  And even good parents make regrettable decisions at times. Nobody’s perfect.

If you are one of the many that hold onto negative feelings toward your parents, you’re not alone. Some of us carry a lot of pain from our childhood. But you’re not condemned to live a life burdened by resentment and anger. That pain you still carry can be the biggest barrier to your happiness and success if you don’t take control and free yourself from it. Here’s the good news. You can let it go and move on. But it’s your choice.

Some of you may be asking, ”How am I supposed to let all this go and just move on?”. I’ve learned that anything worth having is worth fighting for. So for me, freedom from unforgiveness, and peace of mind are both worth having, so I had to fight for them. And I’m glad that I did – just like you will be glad that you did.

Let’s explore a few strategies that you can try that may help you to gain that same freedom and peace of mind.

Be concerned with the here and now. Maybe your dad didn’t have a clue how to deal with a teenager, but he’s proving right now to be a friend and giver of great advice in your adulthood.  Your mom may be an awesome grandmother to your children. People and relationships grow and evolve over time, so it is necessary to redefine relationships over time. The relationship with your parents is no different.

Use your childhood as a guide of what not to do. The great thing about having bad parents is that it’s a learning experience. You can choose to do much better with your children. Keep the good stuff and get rid of the bad. Take comfort in the fact that your suffering will benefit your children.

Realize they did the best they could. Given your parents’ upbringing, knowledge of child-rearing, personality, and so on, they did the best they could with what they had. Remember that no one is taught how to parent. There’s a human tendency to believe that our own intentions are pure. For your own sake, believe that your parents were doing their best, but made some bad choices along the way. 

Don’t expect to gain any satisfaction by venting your anger. It’s likely that your parents would be dumbfounded by your criticism. After all, they may think they did things the right way. You’re going to have to face this: they have forgotten most of the bad stuff they did. They remember the good stuff that they did. And if your parents are not mature enough, they will fight you tooth and nail when you mention the negative things that they did. They will make attempts to shut you down, and they might even get defensive and start deflecting and talking about what you did, while you were a child. If your present relationship with your parents is going well, and you find that they do not want to have these discussions with you, and you want the peace between you to continue, find a productive way to work through it. Sometimes your parents just don’t want to remember. It’s painful for them too. Why destroy the present to deal with the past?

Your parents’ parenting flaws are the result of their own parents. Bad parents had bad parents. Who are you going to blame? How far back can you go? Be glad that you can put an end to the madness by breaking the cycle of bad parenting. That’s what I did. And trust me, your children will thank you.

Avoid blaming your current circumstances on your parents. They may have been awful parents, but that doesn’t mean you can use it as an excuse for your own challenges today. The past is over and the past no longer has to negatively influence your life. If you believe your parents are to blame, then your ability to change your situation for the better is severely limited. And you will by choice, remain stuck.

Realize that you’re only hurting yourself. The past is over. Your parents don’t even remember 90% of the negative childhood experiences that are seared into your brain. Matthew 6:14 – 15 says that if you forgive others then God will forgive you, but if you refuse to forgive others God will not forgive you. You can only heal by letting it go and moving on. You’re not doing them a favor by forgiving them. You’re doing yourself a favor.

Seek help. Whatever that means for you, do it. For me, it was counseling, and prayer. I held onto God’s hand tight and I never let it go. He healed my heart through his Word.  God is a healer!

It’s natural to have a desire to punish those that you feel have harmed you. However, you’re only hurting yourself by carrying a grudge toward your parents. Yes. they’ve caused you a lot of damage. They have broken your heart, and your spirit. But they can’t put you back together. Do what you have to do to get healed.  Take a deep breath and fight to let it go. Leave the past in the past and focus on today. 

Saying Good-bye to Mom — April 20, 2024

Saying Good-bye to Mom

/C. Denise Long/Leave a comment

My siblings and I officially said goodbye to our mother yesterday.

The day was filled with activity. Getting to the church to make sure that everything was in place. Greeting friends and family and all who wanted to pay their final respects.

It was an awesome service. So many people came to speak well of and declare their love and adoration for Gwendolyn. Our pastor, who she loved like a son, eulogized her and encouraged us, her children with an individual word for us that will help us to move forward.

The repast was so fast paced that I hardly got a chance to sit down and eat.  because I was greeting so many people. And so many there were my pastor at our church, took care of the repass so that our family wouldn’t have to lift a finger. The love that was shown to us for our mom’s sake is unlike nothing I’ve ever received from a group of people that weren’t physically related.

After the repast came the ‘after party’ at my sister’s house. Family and close friends only. It was a reunion of sorts as we had seen people that we hadn’t seen in a very, very long time. Aside from cousins, nieces and nephews, there was a long line of friends that we grew up with who also loved mom.

My son Q came down from Seattle to say goodbye to his grandma and I was over the moon about it. 32 years old and still my baby. On his visits, he toggles between my house and his dad’s house so that we both get equal time. But he also makes sure to see his friends This night he decided to sleep over at my place

The next morning, as I was talking to my two sisters, I mentioned that when Q awakes, we would go to breakfast. They decided to tag along and meet us there. We had an awesome breakfast. We talked and laughed. My sisters got some quality time with their nephew. They got to know the 32 year old man.

After that, we dropped him off at my place and my sisters and I went to the beach. We enjoyed each other’s company for a while and then I came home. And I was alone.

The day after mom’s memorial, and all the activity has stopped. I’ve done what I was supposed to do, which was to make sure she had a wonderful sendoff. And now I’m all by myself and I don’t know what to do. I realized that as long as I was doing something, the tears had no desire to stream down my face. But the noise has quieted and now the noise is me – sobbing my eyes out because I want my mom back.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that to be absent from the body is to be present with the lord, that weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning, that she’s in a better place, that she’s no longer suffering. But none of those cliché phrases makes it easier to live with. But they do give me hope.

Without a doubt, my mother loved me. And she was an awesome mother. But what I have left is my memories and bits and pieces of her story that also framed mine. And now, it’s on to the next chapter.

Well, here goes! — January 9, 2018

Well, here goes!

/C. Denise Long/Leave a comment

This is my very first post. I’ve fearfully contemplated doing this for about two years now and I finally took the plunge. My desire is to share my mind with all who are interested because there’s too much in there to keep to myself. Some posts will be philosophical in nature, some whimsical, some will be about my day at work. Whatever strikes my fancy. You are welcomed inside the busy mind of Denise as she speaks it. Hope I don’t weird you out to much. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

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I’m a Procrastinator — July 3, 2021

I’m a Procrastinator

/C. Denise Long/Leave a comment

I had this epiphany about 2 months ago. You know, that 2:30 AM voice in your spirit that gives you all those great ideas that you never follow through with? That’s the one. But this time it was a yell. DENISE! STOP PROCRASTINATING! I jumped out of the bed and got my handy pink notebook (you have one too right? It probably isn’t pink though) and wrote the title to this blog post and Youtube video.

Guess what I did after that? I laid my lazy behind back down! For shame! After forcing myself to turn the light back on and develop this teeth-pulling accountability piece, I came up with more ideas that had been simmering within me for months on end.

In developing this tattle-tale post, it occurred to me that my procrastinating is serial at it’s core. The good thing about this discovery is that it irritated me enough to want to do something about it. So here I am, doing something about it.

You may have noticed that my last post was published more that 2 STINKING YEARS AGO! Isn’t that just shameful? Yes it is. And it made me think about what Dr. Myles Munroe said about the cemetery being the richest place on earth because people die without carrying out their ideas and inventions. Well I’ve decided I’m not doing that.

Here are a couple of things that I haven’t yet moved on:

My Youtube channel. Simply called Denise Long. The last thing I posted there was two years ago as well. That is, until I posted my procrastination video a few days ago.

I got my Notary Commission in 2000-something (so long ago I don’t remember), and I didn’t work it at all! Well, I actually performed 4 notarizations throughout the entire four-commission. Now that I am newly recommissioned, I won’t do that again. That would not be smart at all! There’s too much money out there.

My solution to this problem is this: once I decide to do something I have to do it! Even if have have to schedule it in my calendar. But I can no longer pussy-foot my life away. The ants don’t lie around waiting for survival to happen, they actively cause it to happen.

I must hold myself accountable and I have to start by being real with me. I know who I am. I’m a procrastinator that needs her behavior before it’s too late! I refuse to face regrets about why I didn’t do this or how I should’ve just done that. I will not take my ideas and books to the grave. No one can change this narrative but me. So here goes!

I’ll be back!

Hindsight — June 15, 2019

Hindsight

/C. Denise Long/Leave a comment

If I could turn back the hands of time, I would say no to the marriage proposal that I  accepted.  Don’t get me wrong- I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have gotten married, because I love the idea of marriage and I’ve always wanted to be a wife. But I am saying that I wouldn’t have married my husband. That is my biggest regret in life. Choosing the wrong guy.

How many red flags did I ignore? Too many to count. I knew something was wrong early on.  The way he seemed to always be angry with me, always accusing me of cheating on him, to the point that he was having dreams about my infidelities that never existed. He would actually wake up pissed and would remain that way for at least half a day.

Yeah I saw the signs but, like many of us, I ignored them. You see, I thought that my sweet, sugary love and dedication would melt away his bitterness like butter once we were blissfully wedded. Boy was I wrong. Or as we say in the African-American community–I was molded, meaning that it didn’t turn out the way it was expected to. I was molded because my Lovie-Dovieness failed epically.

Marriage made it worse. Because the thing I didn’t notice early on was that he was controlling. I allowed him to control me in ways that I shouldn’t have, but I did – thinking that if I just let him have his way, there would be peace.  I learned the hard way that the Acquiescence-To-Keep-the-Peace beast is never satisfied. It wants more every time you feed it. And I fed it or years.  Until I ran out of food to give. When that happened, I left.

Fourteen depleted marital years later, and 3 years after I vacated, I learn that he’s battling Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome, a type of neuroendocrine cancer that has attacked his pancreas. I returned to this God forsaken place in 2017 to help him because you know, I didn’t want him to die alone, and wouldn’t you know?  Its 2019 and he’s still the biggest tool in the box. And he’s still alive.

My return yielded small battles in the beginning because he though we’d return to our previous father-daughter relationship where he controlled every move I made. But this time he was molded.  Because what he wasn’t counting on was that in the 3 years we had been separated that I became a fierce warrior that refused to feed that monster of his.  So he got quiet.

Now don’t get me wrong, I hate seeing him like this and at the same time, I sometimes find it difficult to feel sorry for him because although this experience has changed him in some ways, he hasn’t changed toward me.  Do I divorce him while he’s sick, or do I wait for the worst to happen? Either way my mind hasn’t changed about this marriage. I still want out.

 

 

Twists and Turns — May 5, 2019

Twists and Turns

/C. Denise Long/Leave a comment

When I started this blog, I was very apprehensive about blogging. Do I really want people this close to my thoughts? Building and maintaining walls is something that I’ve done since I was a little girl. So this blog sat-until now.

So many things have occurred in the past year that I could kick myself for not chronicling the many events that have taken place. But since I don’t have Goldmember legs, and therefore can’t kick myself, I wont make the attempt. Instead, I pick up where I let off and start now.

From caring for my husband in the throes of his battle with cancer, to losing 30lbs on Keto, trying to finish my AA in Business Administration, healing from a battle with an angry pastor and many other experiences, my life has taken many twists and turns since I started this here blog and left her sitting.

But I’m back and I’m present. So lets get this show on the road! I’m as ready as I’ll ever be! And excited to boot!

I’ll be back sooner than later. And when I return, be ready to take a trip inside my mind. It will be trippy indeed.